Here is the original text from Chapter 1, of my book “Natural Self Discovery, A creative journey to sanity in an increasingly insane world. Published in 2013, shortly after my epiphany, and decision, that there must be a better way to create harmony, as a common species, with the planet and all beings. Now in full revision mode with nearly a decade of more research, and yes, maturity. 2022 is the year that I plan to publish the revised book during a time that nudges me to do so.
Link to the original book on Amazon:
Will the real misfit please stand up?
“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
~ Alice of Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
Just as I have spent many years trying to be what others said I should be, I have recently discovered that modern society seems to have fallen into a similar trap. It seems we, as a collective modern society, have been sucked into a syndrome of sorts, a collective madness perhaps, where we have created an imbalance. We have become obsessed with our status in society, and our stuff. We tend to judge ourselves and others based on job titles or how much stuff we own, and over-indulge in many things to fulfill what we forgot about nurturing; our own health and well-being. It seems we lost our natural selves and trusting in who we naturally are, and then accepting others for who they naturally are.
I am not an ivy-league scholar, or a professional writer, nor am I currently a leader of a large entity or corporation. What I am is an artist, a mother, a wife, a long-time volunteer for multiple non-profit organizations, former retail corporate creative, former high school art teacher, and entrepreneur of 15 consecutive years running a small business brand boutique with my life partner and husband Tim. So, the initial box to place me in, as this is what we humans tend to do with each other, is that I am an experienced graphic designer, fine artist, teacher and a woman in recovery from several ailments. My life recovery journey, just like any other human on this earth, entails a sector of credentials that could never have been obtained from any university or corporate environment. My life experience is my life truth, just as yours is. Beyond the unique challenges from over 15 years of self-employment, and 22 years of striving as a painter. I essentially have a PhD in real life codependency and addiction issues. I grew up within a family of not only successful entrepreneurs, but also a family plagued, like most families of modern civilizations of today, with deeply embedded addictive personalities (from tobacco, workaholism, alcohol, pills, food, controlling, and acquisition of status and stuff), of which I firmly believe manifested from our consumerism-based culture. I have read and applied multiple self-help studies for the past 20 years, everything from Melody Beattie’s Codependency books through the core 12 step recovery methods, years of research from multiple brilliant minds who have written about anything that has to do with environmental studies and their relation to the emerging field of Ecopsychology, or also known as Organic Psychology, or Natural Attraction Ecology. I chose close study of Applied Ecopsychology because it strives for a simplified, hands-on, non-literate approach that anyone can discover their natural selves through direct conscious contact with nature.
You can call it Nature Therapy, or Natural Attraction Ecology, and with some homework find many other terms and labels that suit you. All I know is I chose to obtain a PhD in Applied Ecopsychology, (or at least staying on the hunt for the best fit with regard to how to share my unique contributions for human sustainability and harmony with the planet and all beings) loving that it is all about acknowledging and following natural attractions, so we as humans can move towards the next frontier of human development, or, our “maturity as a species.” The circumstances of late, increased mental illness, depression, violence, cancer, learning disabilities, obesity, hoarding, extinctions, cyber-wars, and climate crises, demonstrate clearly a drastic mental shift in humanity is urgent if we are to survive. It has become quite clear that our chase for status and stuff has not only made us sick, but has made the very source that allows life, earth, very sick. We cannot live without earth, without nature…and once we realize we are very much nature ourselves, that we are not separate, we can begin to heal this vital relationship on a pure level, rather than superficially – we can begin to walk the walk into the next phase of humanity. There is no denying that Nature is now openly nudging us by forcing change.
A little background…
I am of the X-generation, and the proverbial misfit according to society’s standards: a left-handed creative. I was an overweight child of divorce, rebel entrepreneur, who, due to my personal “conditioning” experience, developed an addiction to people pleasing. This led to some interesting, and yes, very challenging, relationships with alcoholics, workaholics, and power-over people. Somewhere amidst these issues, I acquired a desire for cigarettes as a pacifier (that comes and goes), and a consistent duality conflict as to whether I am a fine artist painter, businesswoman, or a commercial brand designer. I must say, I am continually grateful that I did not pick up some of the more extreme addictions, yet addiction to anything or anyone is a case of Addictive Personality Disorder. I knew at a very young age that I reacted differently to the world around me than what seemed how others reacted to the world. I spent most of my life creating coping and survival skills – many were in my favor, yet there is an equal amount of destructive behaviors I picked up. My APD led to early overeating, which then led to addiction to speed (diet pills) and exercise (starting my eating disorder), then cigarettes made a great appetite suppressant and balanced out the pot, so I didn’t get the munchies. Of course, alcohol had to be in mix as it was and still is the primary legal and socially acceptable way to escape – the ultimate social and stress lubricant. The other “-isms” ranged from workaholism (especially during long dry spells when I was compelled to succeed in society and he a good parent), and addiction to people pleasing continuously cropped up as Codependency so I could avoid me…it was so much easier to focus on everyone else’s problems to avoid mine. I am so grateful to say the desire to use substances has been removed, with three left – tobacco and caffeine and sugar. As continue on my journey, I sense my desire to lean on these will cease, as I feel it more each day. Four years ago. i eliminated store bought cigarettes pumped with thousands of carcinogens and smoke natural tobacco, and strive to listen to my body to have a cigarette only when I absolutely need to. I also strive to be considerate about it – not all smokers are people out to destroy other’s lungs or hurt the planet. I will say to anyone who judges someone who is still struggling in this dangerous way to get niacin (yes, nicotine is a made up scientific word for niacin), please look at one’s own secret, less obvious addictions – like controlling and not accepting others as they are.
The point is, cigarettes, and coffee are my habits, just as some find unhealthy food, others, alcohol, shopping, practice power-over other people, etc. I simply got lucky in not being able to drink alcohol or take pills. I found out I had a skin allergy to the hops in beer at the age of 16, and pills just make me pass out…and thank goodness, as these biological aversions have saved my life. This does not mean that I do not struggle daily with the urges. I did, however merge these urges into a people pleasing addiction – helping and pleasing alcoholics, workaholics, and people who just seemed to need my enthusiasm. So, I am what most specialists would call a recovering codependent, an “Al-Anon-ic,” or People-Pleasing addict. Sure, we all have this aspect because a vital part of being human is being a part of community, but there are many of us that have been indoctrinated to take this need for acceptance to unhealthy levels for ourselves – it affects our emotional health and eventually our physical health.
So now that you are aware that I am not here to put myself up on some pedestal, I am here to simply share some insight into ways of thinking that might help you out in our obvious increasing collective madness where we are no longer looking into ourselves as beautiful manifestations, and very much a part of nature. To me, we are all works in progress – just like trees that grow strong and branch out, weathering the winds, or paintings that emerge one paint stroke at a time. It is time for us to enjoy the journey of what we grow into, yet allow ourselves to accept ourselves, others and the natural world around as pure, beautiful and all part of an ecosystem of love.
I will share this right from the start; I love the alcoholics, workaholics, and the fellow crazed codependents in my life, as they are all brilliant minds. Most research shows this is generally the case with people who find themselves in a pit of substance abuse – for many, their unique brilliance and creativity to just be their natural selves was either not nurtured or outright squashed by ridicule or criticism. They were punished for their creativity or brilliance because they didn’t seem to fit into the societal mold that hinders us all from fully valuing our natural inborn traits and passions. In an effort to fill the voids or soothe these original hurts or feelings of being misfits, they begin their own dance of drowning their natural selves in order to “fit in” and make the world around them more tolerable. They all taught me some incredible life lessons, made me the strong person I am today, and led me toward an emotional recovery path I so needed for issues that I wasn’t even aware I had – the primary issue, I was still not in touch with my true natural self. I believe we all suffer from some form of our modern societal indoctrination, and like me, have been fortunate enough to not fall into the trap of the obvious, extreme substance addictions, yet have some form of excessiveness or self-soothing pattern. Either way, these are the patterns that are now barriers holding us back from living the genuine, emotional and physical lives were meant to live.
This is what I want to share with you in this book, my journey in how I got to know and accept my natural self. I have learned more about myself the past two years by simply reconnecting with myself through a deeper bond with nature. I have made more progress with this approach than all my life lessons and twenty years off and on in recovery books and Al-Anon meetings combined. I have learned by grabbing my piece of, and peace with, nature, I can discover peace with myself and others in just about any situation.
I have learned that knowing and living my life as my natural self places everything else into a natural balance that I trust, because nature always has a way of showing natural balance.
I now feel smarter, happier, and am more empowered than I have ever been. The bonus is, I can now “let go and let nature.” My goal is to share this transformation with as many people who value their moments on earth, and value themselves enough to give themselves moments out of their lives, to at least try this journey of thinking with and like nature. For me, incredible things just started happening, because I essentially plugged into my natural intelligences and senses.
I did this by “plugging into” nature and fully sensing it as my life raft – because, at the end of the day, it is here for all of us. It’s science, but it’s simple; it is impossible for us to exist without nature. Now that I know what I know, about me and my direct relationship and deeper ability to consciously plug into nature, this really is not rocket science. There is no need for difficult terms and phrases because in nature, there are no words, only sensations. It is a peaceful state of mind for anyone who needs it, whenever they need it. No one can deny how much better they feel after being outdoors, we crave fresh air after being indoors too long whether we are consciously aware of it or not. It is time to stop devaluing the ultimate values of nature to our mental state of mind, beyond the obvious physical benefits – like keeping us alive. When did we start de-valuing our life source?
Our modern society has shoved this simple approach off the table, and because of that, we all hurt very deeply. We hurt because we are turning our backs on our life source. Perhaps because nature is nameless, without the language we humans have created. It seems so simple, our society, addicted to labeling everything, obsessed with complications and drama, has the inclination to dismiss simple as not valid or valuable.
An ingredient to add to the mix…
I encouragingly introduce to society this all natural “ingredient” to add to the mix, without harmful side effects. Validating nature connecting as a vital addition to all methods for real solutions for physical and mental well being is something that is at least worth a shot. Nothing else seems to be making real progress, and let’s face it, we simply feel better when out with nature, so why not indulge? What is wrong with a natural approach to creating a state of mind that goes far beyond placing a band-aid on our wounds and scars, and a solution that gets right to the core of our souls to help us get on with the genuine, naturally led lives we were meant to live, and engage in the valid reasoning we biologically built to use. To me, this is the reality we are ignoring, and those who continue to ignore our very real connection with nature are having an increasingly difficult time explaining why spending time sensing and thinking like nature is not reasonable. I now refuse to participate in this insanity – because it is insane to destroy or diminish anything that makes me feel better and is healthier.
I am a testament to the nature re-connecting approach. Once one really knows their natural self, and gives themselves permission to become their genuine selves, life naturally balances and flows just like an ecosystem untouched by man. Reconnecting with nature has not only enhanced my relationships with others and the natural world, but has heightened my awareness, my brain capacity, empathy for others, and enhanced my artwork, personal relationships and career success in ways I would have never imagined. You could have never told me two years ago that I would be pursuing an advanced degree, let alone writing this book!
More on my misfit story…
Looking back, it seemed I was always considered “just” an artsy nature girl, which implied according to today’s standards, that I was either of “average” intelligence or below. I liked to play outside constantly, and really had a tough time focusing and sitting still behind those walls of the classroom. I honestly don’t believe any human being was meant sit indoors in school or work for the ridiculous periods of time we now seem to think is normal, and is consider “real” life. “Real” life, is right outside those walls, and we are only being cruel to ourselves and our children for denying ourselves our inborn rights.
I struggled in math and any subject that focused on linear thought patterns because I was a right-brain dominant, creative individual. I now know I have many super intelligences that go far beyond what our over-intellectual educational system and bump-and-grind corporate world could ever possibly comprehend or bottle up to capitalize upon. And so do you. So does every human being and natural inhabitant on this earth. All living beings have inborn natural super intelligences that are completely unique, and yes, are of extremely high value to modern society. The big issue is that modern society forgot that this part of us, and has led to a sort of amputation of our souls, our inner natural beings. We can re-learn how to plug in this missing ingredient that allows us to think with our whole minds. We can re-learn how to balance our brains naturally, creatively adapt, survive, and peacefully flow with changes of the incredible living organism we live on, earth.
If this books helps just one person find their inner genuine self by tapping back into their inner nature (I hope it helps many more), I would feel elated beyond words and will dance in my backyard while it rains to celebrate, and sing to Nature, my source for unconditional love, “Hey, we did it!”
I am now fully able to give myself permission to be an artist – without feeling guilty, and balance my days by following my natural attractions that still include design and business. Because I finally learned genuine self care through nature, does that make me a double misfit? If you were to indulge, even for just an afternoon, or even a few minutes a day for a period of time, and genuinely tap into feeling and sensing your natural self through a deeper connection with nature, would you consider yourself a misfit?
At first I went through that whole mantra of society-injected labels, “oh, now you are one of those hippie tree huggers,” or, some of my religious friends said “watch out, that may be a form of paganism.” Wow, besides having to deal my whole life with being a misfit from being a left-handed, artsy type, and business rebel who liked to work for herself, now I have to face this? Not. I have become sick and tired of being sick and tired. The reality is, we do suffer from increasing collective madness I read about daily, no one can deny that things are really getting whacked out these days – people are hurting each other and themselves more and more often, and, we as a collective society continue our assault on nature as if it is below us. This no longer makes sense – just like an alcoholic knowingly destroys their liver with every drink, or the smoker hurts their lungs, we continue to poison and destroy the very life giving source we need to survive. We are similar to the line of ants blindly following each other to their eventual drowning – a sort of collective suicide if you really think about it – all so we can keep our pacifiers of status and stuff, and continue to avoid and deny who we really are. I hurt for others suffering on both the surface and underneath hidden deep inside their souls in the society we’ve created. I feel that missing link is is getting back to our emotional roots, deepening our connection with nature, so we can begin to think clearly and sensibly again about what really matters first: breathing, eating, etc. – remember, the basics? We can balance this out after and find ways to harmonize our new ways by nurturing and respecting where we came from.
As I ventured on this journey to discover some sanity amidst this increasing insanity, I began to discover that so many others were experiencing similar imbalances, just different flavors and levels of the craziness. I relate to Jack Nicolson’s character in the movie “As Good As It Gets,” – “Don’t sell crazy here, we’re all stocked up.” I feel it really is time for us as individuals to address our own personal imbalances, take responsibility for ourselves rather than continue to rely on waiting for the “specialists” to come up with solutions – as we have seen lately, they aren’t doing such a fabulous job. We can take responsibility for ourselves and create the lives we want, then share with others just by being who we are meant to be. We can naturally fill our voids and soothe our scars. We can heal that amputation from our inner nature and deep sensory aptitude and awareness and think with our whole minds again, so we can make sensible decisions rather than blindly following that self-destructive ant march.
I really feel fortunate to have the adversities I did throughout my life because guess what, I was accustomed to being a misfit, and accustomed to challenges. This helps me to build a lot of strength and courage to come out with a book like this, and I hope that this may inspire others to dive in and just see what this free form of therapy is all about. I guarantee if anything, it will make your life more interesting, if not the most empowering, fun, “rebel” thing you have ever done!
I have a lot of recovery years behind me, including off and on daily readings of two very important book series that helped me save my life each day, two very free-spirited parents of whom I am eternally grateful for, and then my most recent journey into thinking like and with nature at a deeper level that helped me put it all together. Essentially, I already have a PhD in first-hand experiential recovery. Anyone who has had first-hand experience with alcoholism or any other “-ism” can attest that only the one who has “been there done that” is the only one who can truly understand another’s similar predicament. I urge all to ask their current health professional this question of first-hand experience, and see what happens. There, that is your first lesson on becoming your natural self – question everything, I have most of my life. This has gotten me into a lot of trouble, but has also helped me become the persistent person I am today that helps me cross barriers that seem impossible.
In diving into my life as a misfit, I have pretty much found a way to be okay with this, almost proud that I was a non-conformer. I have to admit, I simply got used to it because of my earlier life adversities, and, despite some of the prices I paid for being such in today’s rigid society, or what I will refer to from here on out as the “gerbil wheel,” I find myself very grateful for strength this provided. What helped build this resilience were the realities of dealing with rejections, in particular within the competitive creative fields. My question to you is this, as I ask myself this now often: Were you conditioned from the beginning by society to feel like a misfit? Do you tend to have that inner sense that you are not doing enough, not doing things “right,” or doing it “wrong?” Do you sense that need that you have to be more, do more, be with people you would rather not, or do something in a way that others tell you it should be done? Well, if the answers are yes, it is normal, we are all born perfectly, uniquely human, yet somehow along the way of society’s civilized “advancements” and “progress,” we tipped over the edge into a sort of make-believe, unobtainable false image of perfection. We pay lip service to being ourselves, while every moment we are somehow “fed” that we need to be more or are still not good enough. We forget to acknowledge our health and survival truly lies in self care – not selfishness as society and our family structures have labeled it. Self care is critical, because if we do not care for ourselves, we do are not loving ourselves. So, how can we possibly really care for or love anyone or anything else? This is balance we can learn from our life source in nature, because nature is a perfectly balanced system, helping us learn to balance self care with empathy and responsibilities. By studying and spending time observing nature, we can learn to make sense of what is our responsibility and what is not. Nature also helps us validate our unique intelligences, instincts, and inherent creative abilities, to trust ourselves, and let go of the doings and saying of others. We can get on with our lives and still be loving individuals – just individuals with renewed self-respect.
Could it be that the real misfits are the ones who continue to participate in this out of control spiral to hold the unique, natural human mind hostage?
I ask the question, will the real misfits please stand up? If I know anything now, as I see with my own eyes and sense in my soul what is happening in the world, that it is becoming more and more obvious that the real misfits are the ones who refuse to see how the only true freedom and chance for survival of humans, is for us to free ourselves to be naturally, perfectly human – just as nature intended.
What is there to lose by trying such a simple conscious approach? As a natural human being, not claiming to have some fancy intellectual degree, I now voice my challenge to anyone reading this: don’t knock it until you try it! There is a deeper connection with yourself out there, and nature can teach you how to discover it. You get to grab a piece of nature while making peace with nature – therefore, finding that piece of yourself and peace within yourself. We humans obviously do not have all the answers, so when do we get down to business and consciously plugging into our natural inborn wisdoms through the planet that has nurtured us all this time and allowed us to live?
I guarantee one thing for sure, that it will feel good, and if you really open your mind, clear the human-clutter, and give yourself permission to indulge in and enjoy this natural, newfound peace of mind on the deepest level possible, you will feel more loved and wanted than you ever had before – I did. You will feel that real inner peace and confidence with nature. This creates a beginning to a path in answering that nagging gut feeling or void inside us all, because we can wake up senses that are causing inner numbness, emptiness and unworthiness. We have become so numb, many of us we are no longer even consciously aware of what’s missing. I want to help introduce a way to help fill that something missing and hope perhaps this approach will penetrate and prick on that numbness just a little, because I can attest, once that feeling is back, there is no stopping the flood of good vibes that comes with it! Imagine if we all began to discover our own inner peace with nature how that would affect how we treat ourselves, others and our planet. At least we could know we tried and did what we could to enjoy our time living in peace and fully, consciously connected to the incredible living organism that gives us life, earth.
In Nature’s creative wisdom and love, pH
“I choose happiness and freedom…therefore, I gave myself permission to create my a special place in my mind to know what is made-up in today’s world, and where the real reality exists… I can see it, touch it, taste it, feel it – and it is called Nature. Thank you, Nature, for helping me feel light as a feather.”
~ pH
I am a painter, writer and educator advocating for our human right to have a healthy relationship with nature and our natural creativity. Everything I do aligns with this passion, period.